I (32f) recently started planning my wedding with my fiancé (31f) and my mom immediately jumped to help us plan. I thought at first it'd be ok but she will call vendors and venues she likes, will give them my information so they call me about a scheduled time and my mom swoops in to say 'it'd be rude not to go since they invited you.' She recently showed us a massive binder of different ideas she wants us to look through. It's exhausting, at every step she will insist on looking at her ideas and when we reject them she'll throw a fit and tell me I don't love her because I ignore all her wishes. I also want to add I think she's had it in her head since I was a kid she'd plan my wedding. Even before I came out and dated men she'd comment on how excited she was for the wedding, and when me and when I told her my fiancé proposed she immediately started berating me about when we'd have the wedding so she could help us plan it. Part of it is that when she married my dad it was a small courthouse affair because she was pregnant with me at the time and never got a proper wedding. My dad also died 17 years ago and she's dates sporadically but never for longer then a few months. The last time me and my fiancé went to see a venue she tagged along and made all these comments on how gross everything was, pointing out all the tiny things wrong with it all. The person showing us was getting annoyed, my fiancé was getting annoyed and so was I. She eventually said 'if this where my wedding I'd NEVER even consider this dump.' despite it being absolutely beautiful and within the budget. I snapped and told her that if she wanted to plan a wedding so badly she should get remarried. It was cruel but I was so tired of her trying to have her perfect wedding through me. My fiancé thinks I'm not at fault but the rest of my family doesn't. AITA? Edit: adding answers to a couple common questions: Is she paying for the wedding? No she's not paying a penny. Why don't you set boundaries with her? We have, she doesn't listen and will cry and guilt me and my fiancé until we go along with her or look at what she's picked out for us. What’s the point in setting boundaries if you aren’t going to enforce them? YTA for letting her get to this point. It should have been shut down when she first showed her colours at the beginning of the planning process. You have emboldened her. Put her on a very strict info diet. And set up passwords with all your vendors so that she can't call pretending to be you. NTA. But setting boundaries isn't SAYING 'No', it's following through on the 'No'. It's ending the conversation or visit when she starts crying and telling her you'll talk later when she's more calm. It's not telling her any details and telling her to leave when she's being disrespectful."AITA for telling my mom if she wants to plan a wedding to get remarried?"
The OP then provided more details in an update a few hours later.
People had this to say:
As a wedding vendor myself, please exclude mom from any further planning. We are busy and until we have a contract signed, our efforts to present our product or services to you is essentially us working for free. She is wasting the time of any vendor she schedules without asking you and then she is rude to them when you’re there. No more of that. You two fully adult brides can plan your own event. NTA
The OP returned 17 days later with more updates about her wedding troubles:
Hello everyone I took all of the advice to heart and me and my fiancé had a sit down and looked at the comments together and we agreed we both need to grow spines. Our wedding planner is truly a saint and had no problem setting up passwords with vendors like some people suggested and it was a great suggestion so thank you.
We then invited my mom to dinner and told her that she has to stop trying to help us with the wedding.
It started off bad as she brought her binder and had her own wedding dress in her car. Her dress is in very bad condition, would not fit either me or my fiancé and is quite frankly hideous. I would never say that to her face, though I've told her every time she's asked that I want to pick out my own dress and she should keep hers for if she wants to get remarried.
She assumed that we had invited her to apologize and let her plan the wedding however she wanted. How she jumped to that conclusion I have no idea.
We lied about not wanting her to get overly stressed in the hope she'd take it better than telling her that she's been causing problems and that she hasn't been helpful.
She didn't take it well and started crying, and saying all she ever wanted was for me to have the perfect wedding and she'd already given up getting the perfect son in law and grandchildren so at the least we could let her plan the wedding. It stunned us both as she has never said a bad word about me liking women, not when I came out, not when I got my first girlfriend, not when me and my fiancé got engaged.
It should be noted that the OP shared this added information in the comments regarding grandchildren:
Apparently it 'wouldn't count' if we adopted or my fiancé carried the child because biologically it wouldn't be her grandchild. I can't carry a child because of health complications and me and my fiancé have agreed that if we ever do have kids it won't be for at least a few years. Which isn't good enough for her, she wants us to pop out grandbabies for her yesterday
The OP update continues:
That put me over the edge and I told her that she wasn't going to plan anything, she was a guest and nothing more and I would be cutting her speech if she was going to behave like a child. She had a full on tantrum so me and my fiancé paid and left her to cry and scream in the restaurant.
That was all fine and dandy until our florist called to tell us my mom had called to try and get the flower arrangements changed behind our back. I called her and she tried to lie until she realized she was backed into a corner and admitted to doing it because she knew what was best and was trying to help.
Needless to say that I've now uninvited her from the wedding with the full support of my fiancé and my soon to be MIL and FIL.
Commenters had this to say after the escalating update:
At this point, you need to warn absolutely everybody about your Mom's attempts to dictate everything, that they are not to believe a word she says on the subject, and they need to check every single claim she makes directly with you.
So not just password protecting your vendors - you need to forewarn your guests as well, or otherwise you risk turning up to your wedding and finding that she's told them all that you've changed your colour scheme to [insert hideous combination you utterly hate here] and asked them to match, or that many aren't even there because she's told them it's been cancelled / moved.
“Given up on getting the perfect son-in-law” way to go with the passive hom*ophobia and misogyny there, OP’s mom.
Well your mother didn't leave you with many choices. You did the right thing. Wishing you two all the happiness in marriage and thanks for the update.
Three months later, the OP shares an update with the full story from her wedding day:
I'm so done, just so done with her. Three months of hell but finally me and my wife are happily married. Not once did my mom think of me and what I wanted. She wouldn't stop trying to call vendors, get things changed and try to guess the passwords.
At one point we changed the passwords every week to random things so that she couldn't guess them. We didn't post the date anywhere and had on the invitations that the guests couldn't share the date and location yet SOMEHOW she got both.
We even told her that the stress was too much and we where going to wait until the summer or later to get married and she screamed at us, telling us that we where horrible and canceling it to spite her. We blocked her phone number, reduced the wedding budget significantly so we could hire good security.
Thank f*%$ing god we did and gave them pictures of her because somehow she found out the date, time and location and came in her motherf*%$ing WEDDING DRESS and demanded to be let in because it was 'her' wedding. I am beyond done, I'm typing this as me and my wife are waiting to get on our plane to go home after an incredible honeymoon.
We even looked at job openings and apartments that are at least 6 hours away from where we currently live because my 'loving' mother has taken to sending us letters calling me a horrible daughter.
She has been sending packages that are piles of pictures from when I was a kid and I loved her unconditionally with notes asking why I don't love her anymore and why I banned her from her wedding, how excited she was for it, how it was her right as my mom to go.
She tried to guilt me, she cursed me out and what? Thought I'd give up, let her do whatever she wants and run my life for me? And act as if she's not been a pain in my ass since I told her that me and my wife where beginning to plan the wedding. My best friend who was house sitting got the honor of opening them all and sending us the contents.
She hand delivered the first one the day after the wedding while we where on the plane, I know because the ring doorbell caught it and all of the other ones she delivered as well as the ones the mailman delivered.
I'm fuming, I'm pissed and I was to scream because what the F*$K. She tried to ruin my wedding. MY OWN MOTHER TRIED TO RUIN MY WEDDING AND IS TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD. She tried to plan my wedding for me, threw a tantrum when I asked her not to, tried to sabotage it and then crashed it. But sure, I'M the problem here.
Last of all: thank you to everyone saying congratulations me and my wife have been looking at comments and will be finding the wedding mole as well as working on evidence to get a restraining order and moving far away.
Commenters provided their final verdict.
Not that the mom will ever admit it or seek help for it, but it certainly sounds like she is mentally unwell. OOP really has no choice but to go NC or she'll place her own mental health in jeopardy.
I hate to jump on the armchair psychologist bandwagon, but this looks like the mom is a bit of a narcissist.
views OP as an extension of themselves ('It's my wedding!')
makes every big event about themselves
Honestly, OP is stronger than me. I would have been on a plane far away to elope if my mother acted like that.
As the mom to an almost adult daughter I just can't imagine doing any of this. Particularly the showing up in a wedding dress seems like it would be mortifying enough to have the ground open up under my feet!
